It's a beautiful thing

So I've entered another year of life...42!!! Wow. It was a perfect birthday - I've celebrated for three days with people I love. Then it is Thanksgiving, and really I don't think I could possibly have much more room for the huge amount of gratitude that fills me.

It's interesting to reflect on one's life. I often feel that nothing has changed, but really I've lived many lifetimes in one. Maybe that's what the Buddha meant when he talked of reincarnation...one can live so many lives without even dying, and karma and our actions and love and compassion can change each life as we live them.

At two...living in Calgary. l look happy in the photos...summers in BC and snow-filled winters. A horse and a couple of cows and a brother and sister and many dogs.

At twelve I was in Cairo, in 7th grade, letting Mark Flores touch my little breasts through my shirt while we drank a bottle of wine in the dark outside the school gate; listening to my parents yell at each other and helping my mother as blood poured from her nose after my dad broke it that night.

At twenty-two, I'd been in LA for almost a year. Not sure which boy I was letting touch my breasts that year (month/week/day), but it was someone who was bad for me and who drank too much with me and snorted coke with me and who would break my heart or let me break his.

At thirty-two I was squatting in an apartment in Hollywood with broken windows and no gas or electricity, not letting anyone touch my breasts because I hated being touched when I was smoking crack. People who touched me only hurt me, and so I didn't let them do it anymore. James came over and never left, and his mother would leave food at our door, and we would beat each other, and I would cut myself and steal and go to jail.

Now it's forty-two and despite the fact that no one is touching my breasts, I am happy and sunny and learning how to love more than I ever thought I could, and learning too to accept love in return. Love has nothing to do with seduction and everything to do with vulnerability and emotional intimacy...what a lovely thing to learn after 4 decades of life. A beautiful daughter and a cozy home and friends who call and someone who makes my heart pound and my eyes smile, and really I can't imagine how it went from that to this in just ten years.

Happy birthday to me.