Soph's dad has called out of the blue and wants to meet her finally after 7 plus years, and so I set up a time with her therapist for he & I to get together and figure out how to do it without freaking her out. He calls..."sure, yeah...let me check my calendar, I'll call you right back." No call yet, of course, and he still won't give me his phone number. fuck. Yet I'm holding out hope, which is kinda crazy after all these years. Not to mention how can I still trust anyone after what's happened to me in the past 8 months??!! Hahaa...I can't help myself. I still have that crazy naive hope inside of me despite my cynicism and pretend-toughness...I want to trust and believe that everyone really is just filled with love for everyone else and no one is going to hurt me or Sophia or anyone in this world ever again. At least I've learned enough to not tell her about things till they are true.

God I just wish he could see her and hear how smart and lovely she is and see her artwork and hear her sing her little heart out as she swings as high as she can and read the sweet little entries in her diary and the beautiful notes she writes me while I'm at work and she's at school. If he could have just a fraction of that love touch him...

On the other hand, what if he meets her and then freaks out and vanishes again and breaks her heart? I'd have to kill him. Or ...stranger yet, what if he really decides to be part of her life - god, I'd have to deal with seeing him every week. Not a chance would I let her have a whole weekend with him. He'd have to actually give me his phone number and let me know where he lives now.

What has so suddenly moved him to do this? I've known this man for 20 years, and I have no fucking clue what goes on in his head. I've gone from his groupie-chick to the mother of his child and in two decades I've not heard him have any emotion except anger, when I chose to keep her, and fear I suppose. It's maddening. I want to force him to be a human being. Wish that were possible. He's not evil like Howard, he's simply...empty? I don't even know.

I want only love for her...

n

amazing life

Sweet life...so many lovely things this weekend, and I'm trying to think of a very favorite...hard to choose just one. I think it was being given a framed photo of Cubby as a house warming. Hubert (Cubby) Selby Jr. was fucking GOD to me when I read Last Exit to Brooklyn, and then Requiem for a Dream just...well, it's brilliance that lingers forever. When I finally realized that funny old man at the meetings on Sunday was Cubby and Cubby was Hubert, geez, it was like I was sitting in the room with God, and I had so many things I wanted to ask him and talk to him about but really not many of them were about sobriety; they were about his genius of words and imagery on a page and insight of soul...but I was too shy to ever say more than hello, and then he passed away, and I had only those whose lives he changed to befriend but through them I really do feel him in some way. So...this amazing photo of Cubby is on my living room wall, and now his love will keep me safe and I can only wish that some of his brilliance can seep into me!!

And beside that gift, this weekend was just filled with love and special people and we surprised the heck out of Marty and our home was filled with laughter and angel-children and sweet kooky neighbors and new friends who surprised me just a little too...

inhumanity / humanity

I closed my myspace page when things got freaky with Howard and I was scared of stalkers. But I miss writing and my computer keeps getting stolen and so I lose my journals, so...a blog is in cyberspace, not on a hard drive, and no one needs to break my window to read it.

Last April was 8 years sober and then...somehow an emotional rollercoaster slammed into my world. Bought a beautiful new home...but Howard took all my dough and left me with shoddy construction and a shattered heart and mutilated pride...a couple of surgeries...friends who have done amazing things to make me feel safe and loved...three break-ins (say bye-bye to the dvd player, the 42" plasma, three computers, 2 digital cameras. Not to mention the writing and the emails and the pix of my sweet Sophia singing her heart out at the holiday show and Christmas morning and moments with the folks I love.)...started two great jobs this year...this new one now is amazing! Oh my gosh, I'm VP of Biz Affairs, who'd have thought!?! Imagine that 9 years ago??!!! ha.

Soph's filled with terror to be in our home, and I'm stubborn and won't admit defeat. "We only accept love." But how can I keep teaching her that hatred ceases through love, when there is so much evil trying to upset our little love-bubble??

She holds me hand all night as she sleeps, and I want to take her fear away but truth be told I feel it too. I'm done. Howard continues to hurt people despite the charges being brought against him. Someone keeps violating our home despite the alarms and police reports. I had too much trust and now I have pretty close to none.

Yet there are others who've entered (or simply stayed in) my world and who keep my faith in humanity strong, who hold me (even over miles) and whom I know will never let me fall. And so...

...so life is grand and lovely and precious and beautiful and right now I'm in my office (ha!) and looking out the window to the crisp clearness, WeHo traffic starting up this Friday afternoon and my assistant (ha!!) just left and I'm about to go too, spend time at the school and hug my straight-A girl and go home to our wonderful home that is filled with love and where we do not accept evil, only love.