Soph's dad has called out of the blue and wants to meet her finally after 7 plus years, and so I set up a time with her therapist for he & I to get together and figure out how to do it without freaking her out. He calls..."sure, yeah...let me check my calendar, I'll call you right back." No call yet, of course, and he still won't give me his phone number. fuck. Yet I'm holding out hope, which is kinda crazy after all these years. Not to mention how can I still trust anyone after what's happened to me in the past 8 months??!! Hahaa...I can't help myself. I still have that crazy naive hope inside of me despite my cynicism and pretend-toughness...I want to trust and believe that everyone really is just filled with love for everyone else and no one is going to hurt me or Sophia or anyone in this world ever again. At least I've learned enough to not tell her about things till they are true.
God I just wish he could see her and hear how smart and lovely she is and see her artwork and hear her sing her little heart out as she swings as high as she can and read the sweet little entries in her diary and the beautiful notes she writes me while I'm at work and she's at school. If he could have just a fraction of that love touch him...
On the other hand, what if he meets her and then freaks out and vanishes again and breaks her heart? I'd have to kill him. Or ...stranger yet, what if he really decides to be part of her life - god, I'd have to deal with seeing him every week. Not a chance would I let her have a whole weekend with him. He'd have to actually give me his phone number and let me know where he lives now.
What has so suddenly moved him to do this? I've known this man for 20 years, and I have no fucking clue what goes on in his head. I've gone from his groupie-chick to the mother of his child and in two decades I've not heard him have any emotion except anger, when I chose to keep her, and fear I suppose. It's maddening. I want to force him to be a human being. Wish that were possible. He's not evil like Howard, he's simply...empty? I don't even know.
I want only love for her...
n
About Me
- Nadia Bruce-Rawlings
- Nashville, TN, United States
- former single mom, kooky, tough, soft, have a lot of dreams but too much reality. I dig music and amazing writing and babies and sunshine and that certain smell that will bring you back in time to a secret memory...
1 comment:
My sweet wonderful Nadia,
you can't cure the world, nor remove the anger in a man's heart.
in reality, he doesn't deserve to know the love that sophia can bring, he hasn't earned it,and probably never will.
he may , way deep inside, mean well. But doesn't have the tools to act in a healthy meaningful way.
Yet , he has the amazing potential to really hurt you and sophia.
Very logically you hold a beautiful fantasy in your heart. That the father of your child will love her, be there for her, and fill a bit of your emotional needs.
But with Dave, that's all it is... A fantasy.
You my dear Nadia, are an amazingly gifted, kind soul who deserves so much more than holding onto a fantasy of an affected man. ONe day, you will not only see that.. you will believe that, and thus achieve that.
Here's to fantasies, and their eventual fullfilment in healthy ways.
All my love !
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