RATS!

I have fucking RATS in my house. Roof rats, the Orkin man tells me. Yup. The burglars have been caught, but the 'hood still remains. Big dark grey rats hanging out in my BEDROOM and then scurrying to my kitchen and having a fiesta in the dark. Oh my god. One ran across my bed. I started hearing them in the ceiling a couple of days ago and I was hoping it was a little raccoon hanging out. But no...

Anyone who wants to shoot a low-budget horror film, please come by the next few days. After that, they will all be gone. My mission is no longer to catch the burglars or even get the cops over to stop the crack-deals going on across the street. No, my mission is to rid the earth of small disease-carrying rodents.

Only, here I am preaching "love not war". I'm a crappy Buddhist...I cannot love these critters in my home. The Orkin man tells me they set "humane" traps that don't kill them, just capture them in cages and then they take them away. I am preferring to remain blissfully ignorant as to what happens after they are taken away. I visualize a happy rat-farm in Bakersfield, filled with fat and sassy roof-rats scampering away their lives in peace. I'm sure there's a song there...